I’m so ashamed of this story

When I was at university, there was this guy who rubbed me the wrong way.

He was smart, but he was arrogant. He started his degree a year early, which meant he was younger than everyone else, and that’s rarely a good thing. Often gives them a chip on their shoulder.

Anyway, this one time he was making sweeping generalisations about something, and I’d had enough.

I challenged him on his statements. And so began an hour-long argument (I think we would have preferred to call it a debate) in which I systematically beat down his position and proved him wrong.

By the time I’d won the argument, he was in tears, and I felt like shit.

After I walked away I had to go back and apologise. That’s how bad I felt for making him cry.

And the stupid thing is, I was right. I’d won the argument – but I’d lost the relationship. I’d lost the connection, the communication.

I’d sacrificed the person for the performance.

Yes, I was a young immature 19-year-old, but honestly, I should have known better.

But there’s a lesson in this, which I learnt well.

You see, you might never have given a presentation that drove your audience to tears (unless it was at a funeral, I REALLY hope you haven’t!), but the odds are, you’ve probably made a similar mistake.

Because the mistake I made wasn’t in disagreeing. It wasn’t in stating my position or talking it through.

It was in putting my point first, and the person I was talking to second.

Because although I forced him to concede my point, do you really think he left that argument agreeing with me? Not a chance in hell.

Do you think he left that argument thinking anything good about me? Not a crumb of it.

Do you think anyone else around us left thinking I was reasonable or good? I’d be very surprised if they did.

And that’s the point. In each and every speech, talk, or presentation you give, your job is to be bold. To state your case and fight for it.

But it’s also your job to communicate. To connect with your audience, to take them gently by the hand and lead them on a journey with you, so that by the end they’re nodding their heads in agreement.

There’s an old saying in sales that most salesmen talk themselves out of the sale. That’s what I did – and that’s what a lot of talks and presentations do, too.

Sell your message. Sell yourself. And don’t shortchange either of them.

But remember you don’t sell anything by making the other guy hate you.

Your speech has to convince the audience, persuade them, not just defeat then.

Here endeth the lesson.

Learn from my mistakes.

And if you want an expert eye who can tell you if you’re not being bold enough – or if you’re in danger of losing the battle to win the war – then I can help. With over a thousand speeches under my belt, and more than 496 video messages and op eds, I’ve written for politicians, churchmen, academics, lawyers, accountants, public servants, CEOs, and more. I’m here to help.

Anyway, if you’re interest, email me at [email protected] and let’s talk.

Talk soon,

Alexander